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Further proof, after loudspeakers on lamp posts and DNA testing dog mess, that someone somewhere is still using Wasting Police Time for ideas, and that They Don’t Get The Joke.

As Theresa May announces plans for new ‘Criminal Behaviour Orders’, we are reminded of the wisdom of Pc Copperfield:

I suggested my own, very innovative, solution to crime to my chief inspector yesterday. ‘Tell you what, sir,’ I said. ‘Why doesn’t the government bring in “Crime Orders”, or “COs”? We could use these to ban people from committing crime. If someone breached his CO we could, say, lock him up, or something?’

‘Are you being sarcastic, Copperfield?’ asked the ch insp, looking at me with narrowed eyes. ‘Or have you been drinking?’

Yesterday the BBC made much of an exclusive interview with Pathfinders Captain David Blakeley who reveals ‘the biggest secret of Gulf War II’ – a daring raid far behind enemy lines by nine men – in his new book, Pathfinder. It sounds an interesting book, and Mr Blakeley must be an impressive man, but it’s not a secret; Mark Heley MC was on the raid, was decorated for his part in it and tells the story in In Foreign Fields.

In the Telegraph, Tom Chivers discusses Waterstones’ decision to sell Kindles. He outlines some of the advantages of book-books over eBooks, and is optimistic for their future. He also makes the point that Amazon pays no corporation tax in the UK on its £3.3 billion profits last year. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that a function of the EU? Amazon pays tax where it is domiciled, as per EU law. Lots of the same people who were very keen on the EU project (not sure if that includes Tom Chivers) seem not to have read the small print!

Mad Men‘s Rich Sommer tells Slate he’s worried about Harry Crane losing his job. (Any other Mad Men fans wondering what happened to the Pete Campbell/Lane Pryce contretemps? It seems to have fizzled out slightly unrealistically.)

Finally, ten of the World’s Greatest Unsolved Mysteries.

Shirking from home this week; I have a very bad back, and lots of manuscripts to read and edit. There is also a Test match on, but that is irrelevant. (The great Malcolm Marshall must be revolving in his grave at around 95mph at the idea of Darren Sammy rolling his dibbly dobbly, all-you-can-eat-buffet medium pacers down the Lord’s wicket.)

So apologies if I’m late replying to emails; I have no internet at home, and my BlackBerry is impossible to type on. I will respond later in the week, or possibly earlier. (I’m uploading this on an iPad but don’t know how to get email to work on it.)

Meanwhile, a reminder that life in Britain in 2012 is pretty tough, but it could be an awful lot worse.

A new Theodore Dalrymple eBook has just gone live on Kindle. The Wilder Shores of Marx – originally published in 1991 under his real name, Anthony Daniels – was a critically-acclaimed travel book about a series of short trips he undertook to countries labouring under the Red yoke in the last throes of the Soviet Bloc.

Dalrymple visits Albania, North Korea, Romania, Vietnam and Cuba. What he finds is chilling – at least, if you grew up during the Cold War years. One of the O level English books we read was 1984; at the time, 1984 was only two or three years in the future, and I well remember the irrational sense of unease I felt as the months slipped by. Would we all end up living our lives under state surveillance, in fear of the knock on the door, afraid to voice any dissent? Of course, in the countries mentioned above, people were living, and dying, like that, even as we indulged ourselves.

Dalrymple – whose own father was a hardline Communist, at least theoretically-speaking – travelled to North Korea as a member of the British delegation to the World Festival of Youth and Students (‘I was accepted as a member because, though neither a youth nor a student, I was a doctor who had practised in Tanzania, a country whose first president, Julius Nyerere, was a close friend and admirer of Kim Il Sung, Great Leader of the DPRK (as the country is known to cognoscenti). It was therefore assumed I was in sympathy with what was sometimes called, rather vaguely, “the movement”.’).

We were put up in a vast new complex of apartments in Kwangbok Street, which itself was thirteen lanes wide (the thirteenth, central lane solely for the sole use of the GL). The complex had been built in the expectation that North Korea would be host to some of the events of the 1988 Olympics, but when it failed in its effort to attract any such events, the history of Kwangbok Street was changed, and it was decided that it was built not as an Olympic village but specially for the World Festival of Youth and Students. This illustrates the way North Korea lives in triumph and avoids humiliation. No historical event is too insignificant to be re-written.

The apartments were well-constructed, a long series of towers on both sides of the street that might have reminded me of Miami had there been any neon. There were five of us to each apartment; I noticed that the blacks and whites, except for a charming young physics student of Nigerian descent who was as interested in fun as in politics, stayed as separate as if there had been a law against fraternisation. We were given coupons for all our meals, which we ate in a canteen looking out on Kwangbok Street. The Korean waitresses who served us had enchanting smiles and moved with a natural grace that made our movements appear gross and clumsy.

At our first meal a young woman of clearly middle class origin, who wore only black shapeless clothes and had owlish round spectacles, startled everyone by announcing that she was always shocked how left-wing people, who called themselves caring, could eat meat. She was a person of very definite opinions, including a rather poor one of the male sex in general: when she signed her name, she appended a cross to the o it contained, to turn it into the biological symbol for female. Her reproach was of limited effect, though; for many of our ‘delegation’ were not the kind of people to wax sentimental over the fate of dumb beasts. They were hard-faced communists, who dressed tough and cut their hair short so that their heads should appear as bony as possible. I overheard one of them describing a demonstration he had attended in England, in which there had also been a member of Amnesty International with a placard.

‘I went up to him and said, “I don’t believe in that bourgeois shit,” and he said, “Do you think political prisoners should be tortured and killed, then?” “Too fucking right, I do,” I said.’

The person to whom he related this charming little exchange laughed. What I found frightening about the pair of them was that their faces were contorted with hatred even as they laughed, and when they talked of killing political prisoners they meant it. They were members of a little communist groupuscule for whom Stalin was a god, not in spite of his crimes but because of them.

In Albania, he has a chance meeting with two students.

We met in the Boulevard of Martyrs but moved into the pitch darkness of a side street. Was this melodrama or sensible precaution? Whenever the nearby headlights of a car cleaved the darkness and seemed to approach us, the students grew nervous and asked us either to move further into the blackness of shadows or to walk away from them until the car was no longer visible. They said that every car in Albania belonged to someone of political consequence, loyal servants of the regime, by definition therefore informers and spies.

They told us of the material deprivations of Albanian life, of the overcrowded apartments, the shared kitchens and bathrooms, the vigils against interruption that have to be posted while young people attempt to make love, the bad plumbing and universal dilapidation, the ‘voluntary’ work days at weekends (the guidebook written by Bill Bland, secretary of the Anglo-Albanian Society, says of the 273 miles of railway track in Albania ‘All the lines have been built by youth volunteers under professional supervision’), the food rationing which in winter frequently includes bread made of rough fibrous flour of unrecognisable provenance, the meat ration (a kilo per family per week) that is mainly gristle and bone, the absence of sugar and other simple commodities that everywhere else have been taken for granted for centuries and the general unremitting struggle for a meagre subsistence that leaves everyone halfway between hunger and satiety.

Yet they said that all this might have been bearable had it not been for two things: the knowledge that essentially nothing will change, and the triumphalist lies which everyone must not only hear and see, but learn by heart and repeat.

Then why, one asks naively, do not more people attempt to escape? After all, Albania is a small enough country with long borders to Greece and Yugoslavia…

This question alone proves that one comes from another planet entirely, that one knows nothing of life here, that one has lived in a comfortable cocoon.

In the first place, the borders are heavily guarded. Anyone caught trying to leave the Brave New Albania is shot. Sometimes people try to swim the Corfu Channel, which at its narrowest is only two or three miles wide. Many of them drown; others are caught by patrol boats and ploughed under into the sea. Besides, as we saw when we stayed the night at the Channel port of Saranda, a searchlight sometimes scans the coast, and it is assuredly not searching for Greeks desperate to reach Albania…

But it is not the physical obstacles to escape that prevent larger numbers of Albanians from fleeing; rather, it is the consequences of doing so for relatives and friends. For, as the students informed us, there is no concept of individual responsibility in Albania. If a man deserts his homeland, his family and some of his friends will be held responsible. They will be sent down mines under conditions that will make it unlikely they will ever return; at best, they will live in perpetual internal exile, half-starved and with no rights. They, the students, knew people to whom this had happened.

In my mind’s ear, I could hear at once the justifications that western sympathisers might compose for this system of ‘justice’, Man is a social animal, they would say; no man is an island, entire of itself. A man’s values and aspirations are formed not abstractly or in isolation, but socially, from his family, his friends, his workplace. If a man were a traitor, then, if he reverted to bourgeois individualism by escaping to the outside world, there must have been something unhealthy about his upbringing, his social milieu. It was only right, therefore, that those around him should be punished.

But what, I wondered, does this system of collective responsibility do to personal relations? If you are held responsible for what I do and I am held responsible for what you do, does that make us not friends but mutual spies? Normal human bonds are dissolved by collective responsibility, to be replaced by distrust, fear, dissembling and withdrawal. Surely it requires no great effort of imagination to see that this is – must be – so, yet how many western intellectuals over the last half-century or more have constructed ingenious arguments to deny it?

I should have liked to correspond with the Albanian students, but it would have been impossible. According to them, if an Albanian should receive a letter from abroad whose contents appear suspect to the police in the slightest respect (naturally, they read all letters from abroad, and almost all are suspect), it will not be delivered in the normal way, but the addressee will be called to the police station and asked whether he wants to receive the letter. Sometimes the police even offer to read it out rather than hand it over. It is not difficult in such circumstances to guess the ‘right’ answer to their question; those who fail this test are likely – as happened to one of their friends – to be exiled to the mines.

As for their aspirations, the students looked blank. When they completed their courses, the government would send them wherever they were needed, a decision against which there was no appeal. Personal aspirations were not for young Albanians; everything was decided for them. In a certain sense, they had achieved that liberation from desire which Buddhists seek.

‘We are already dead,’ one of them said, and we parted.

Thank you for your very interesting DVD and note. I have someone who is very interested in taking this forward, but they need more information. Is there any way in which you can contact us?

Bits and Pieces

One problem with working in publishing is that it all-but destroys reading for pleasure. You spend eight hours a day either reading or editing, and the last thing you want to deal with when you get home and put your feet up is more words. Additionally, you are so attuned to either skim-reading (initial manuscripts) or quasi-proof-reading (stuff you’re actually publishing) that it’s very hard to find that middle ground, where you don’t skip half of a given page or re-read it a dozen times to see how you can reword it.

Anyway, I’ve belatedly just finished this (it was a Christmas present from my in-laws two Christmases ago) and I can heartily recommend it. (Interestingly, the author has chosen personally to respond to the one negative review on Amazon.)

On coffee breaks, meanwhile, we’re trying to understand the crisis in Europe, what it means for the UK, for publishing and for us. A weak Euro means a strong US dollar, apparently; we do now sell a reasonable quanity of books in the USA, so this might be a good thing for Monday Books. On the other hand, the US looks pretty like a basket case-in-waiting to me, stuck between wantologists and a pensions nightmare. If Greece leaves the Euro, maybe with a hybrid Nazi-Communist government, will that mean cheaper holidays for Britons (and more money to spend on reading), or will it mean the RAF airlifting people out of a burning Athens? The Euro might drop to 50% of its present value; will we all finally be able to afford the ski chalets of our dreams, or will it take the UK with it? (Can you buy shares in Bognor Regis?) If people don’t have the money to go out, will they stay in with a book instead? It’s all very confusing. In a very long list of things about economics that I don’t or can’t understand, do we actually have ‘austerity’ anyway, and how can it be ‘rejected’ by voters in Greece and France? Isn’t the opposite of austerity borrowing (and spending)? And if you reject austerity are you not going to struggle, eventually, to borrow? I’ve half a mind to announce that I’m rejecting the concept of paying my mortgage.

Inspector Gadget is leading the Tolploddle Martyrs* on a trip to London this week. I tend to support privatisation, if only because, in theory at least, incompetent firms can go bust, whereas incompetent council chiefs and MPs just increase your tax bills and end up getting to the baronetcy or the House of Lords; but privatising the police is bonkers. Read Wasting More Police Time for the reasons why, and follow this link to youtube to see what it’s really like in the custody block.

You have to chortle at The Angry Underground World of Failed Pickup Artists:

Results, apparently, would entail mass quantities of sexy women lining up to bone him and his ilk, regardless of the fact that they spend all of their time ranting and raving on a misogynistic website.

The 10 best cricket books; Mike Brearley’s Art of Captaincy should be in there, I think. Graham Gooch’s autobiography is well worth a read, too. Derek Randall’s isn’t, which is a shame as he was my boyhood hero. I also like not-Kevin Pietersen’s The Cricketer Diaries:

“WTF Belly. Where the hell is everyone?”

Finally: ‘I was a business intelligence analyst for a paperclip marketing company.’

* That is a high quality pun.

Theodore Dalrymple in the City Journal on last year’s riots:

It turns out that Thompson had 20 previous convictions, including at least one for violent robbery. Since the police in Britain discover the culprit in approximately 5.5 percent of crimes, and since the commission of crime is not distributed randomly across the population but concentrated in a relatively small proportion of it, a reasonable supposition is that Thompson—unless he was such an incompetent criminal that he was caught every time he offended—had actually committed between 100 and 400 crimes before he turned to arson. What, you might ask, was such a man doing at liberty? Well, most importantly, he was providing a living for the lawyers who defended him when he was caught: he was what one might call a criminal Keynesian.

If you like that, you’ll love these:

Second Opinion (and Kindle eBook – also available from iTunes)

Anything Goes (and Kindle eBook – also available from iTunes)

Not With a Bang but a Whimper (and Kindle eBook – also available from iTunes)

Life at the Bottom (Kindle eBook – also available from iTunes)

Our Culture, What’s Left of It (Kindle eBook – also available from iTunes)

If Symptoms Persist (Kindle eBook – also available from iTunes)

If only this Thompson  character had taken The Gospel Classics’ attitude to rioting he wouldn’t now be looking at five years or so in clink:

We didn’t go to the Book Fair this year. Too busy, and we (or certainly I) always end up blotto in this pub, wondering why I bothered going (to the fair). So I saved £250 (not just on beer, there are train fares and hotel rooms) and shunned it. The news doesn’t seem to have been a) surprising or b) good.

Also in the Guardian, Robert McCrum says everyone thought hardbacks were finished, but that it’s suddenly become clear that they were wrong and, in fact, there’ll always be a place for beautifully-made books. Perhaps he meant ‘everyone-who’s-anyone’ – I assume he’s one of the 60 million people in the UK who don’t read this blog! (I don’t claim our books are all beautifully-made; that costs a lot of dosh.)

Meanwhile, on the economics of publishing, The Observer gets it a bit wrong. I think I know what the author (James Bridle, who also writes interestingly here) is trying to say, but I also think he probably dashed this off quite quickly – not least because it contains several factual errors. Here are two:

1. ‘(P’)ublishers know that the actual production cost of a single hardback, in printing and binding, is around £1…

If your print run is 100,000, you use see-through paper maybe. Realistically, it’s at least 50% higher than that; a reasonable run on a 500pp book with good paper and a great jacket could easily be £2 a copy.

2. …and that the true value of a book is in the years spent writing it and the months of preparation for publication.

No, this might be (part of) the true cost but the ‘value’ is only in what a reader is prepared to pay in exchange. I could easily spend the next year writing a novel, something I’ve been threatening to do for years, but I’m not a very good writer so I doubt it would be very good; thus it would have very little value. This would probably hold true if I spent 10 years writing it, and then a publisher spent a further year trying to turn my turgid and unimaginative prose into something readable.

To that true cost, at least in the sense of a cost-of-sale, you need, of course, to factor in that 50% (or so) of the jacket price will go to the retailer. Oh, and each title should, in theory, make a contribution to general overheads; Penguin has rents and salaries to pay all year round, not just on the days it publishes a new book.

Ten middle-class jobs (it’s American) that will vanish by 2018. Printers and (desktop) publishers are in there.

Finally, a good friend of mine texted me the other day crowing that he’d just bought this record for £2,000 (he’s a champagne socialist, naturally, albeit one who drug himself up from the valleys; Brigitte Bardot not included):

Roger Graeff’s brilliant book about 1980s policing has just gone live as a Kindle eBook.

The no-holds-barred classic about policing in the strife-ridden days of the 1980s.
Respected filmmaker Roger Graeff interviews hundreds of officers from all over the UK – the result is a fascinating and absorbing picture of life in the thin blue line at a time when every nick had its own, real-life Gene Hunt.
Modern-day officers will be astonished at the latitude and attitude of their forebears – and retired cops will love this window on their past.

It really ought to be required reading for all those who think the 21st Century polis are all racist, misogynistic thugs with honesty issues: Sophie Khan’s head would have exploded. In those days, the cops really knew how to do the Lord’s work (© Merseyside Police).

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